Apathy...did I mention that it sucks?!?!?

v  Oct 31/2014

Waking up.  I hate it.  Worst part of the day.  I am sore, rigid, everything feels stiff, and although I have been asleep for 7 hours, I feel exhausted.  My feet feel like they have walked hundreds of miles.  But.....I HAVE to go to the washroom. 

Actually, it is good that my bladder wakes up about the same time every morning.  It is like my natural alarm clock.  Sometimes the only reason I actually get up. I guess this is the, Acceptance, stage. 

I also need to get up to get my medication into me.  This will help all the aches and pains, and get my mind active again.  So, I do get up, have a tea and toast, take my pills, and head right back to bed.  I usually don't get up again for about an hour.  I look at it like having two mornings per day.

This past week, though, that old beast called, apathy, set in again.  I try to explain it to others, but it is hard to really understand.  People assume that means I am depressed.  No, depression is quite different.  It is dark, reaches deep, and envelopes you. 

Apathy, is not like that.  I have previously described it as, "emotional flat lining".  I feel like I am not sad, nor am I happy, I just....am.....nothing.  When I am feeling like this, I don't like to carry a conversation or engage in any type of thinking that would require concentration. 

That doesn't sound too serious, does it?  Well, to me it is one of the worst symptoms to deal with.  I have zero motivation.....zip....nada.  I recently got back into my art work, and writing, and crafting.  I have a new dog to take for walks, and friends who want to get together.  But I will not "feel" any of it.  I want to do these things. bit I just have no interest in doing so.  Does this make sense?

So after my two mornings, I get showered, dressed, and sometimes put on makeup.  Then I sit.  And nothing comes to me.  No desire to move.  My care partner is wonderful for trying to help get me motivated, but it just isn't in me sometimes.

One thing that I have come to depend on is the fact that "this too shall pass".  Eventually I will pull myself together, gather my wits about me once again, and kick apathy to the curb.  How long it takes, is still up for debate.  This is day three, Halloween at that.  Soon I will be "ooing and awwwing" the wee trick or treaters.   It will feel like a chore, but perhaps it will jump start my emotions, so that I can feel again tomorrow.

In my mind, as I sit and write this, I am encouraged.  I have had no motivation what so ever to blog, and well, here I am, doing just that.  Perhaps the apathy is lifting once again,...Tomorrow is a new day, and I am actually looking forward to it.  The flat lining may be ending....or it may not....but tomorrow will come regardless.  That, I can count on....and perhaps I will even enjoy it.