| Endurance |
It must have been in the year of 2006. My oldest son had been wanting a tattoo for as long as I can remember. I had explained that a tattoo is forever, so if he was seriously wanting something on his body that would be difficult to remove, it should be representative of something very meaningful to him. So needless to say, he spent about a good year debating the merits of what he actually wanted. He showed me what he had designed. It was beautiful....it was a symbol that reflected the important people in his life, his father, mother, brother, grandmother (who had passed) and his grandfather. Now, how could I argue with that?
So, the big day came and I went with him. As they were preparing him, I was glancing through a collection of Chinese symbols and reading the meanings behind each. The above symbol jumped right out at me...screaming...."This is you!!! This is you!!!!". Well, really, how could I argue with that? The descriptive words were: adaptability; resilience; awe-inspiring; overcome adversity; overcome all difficulties. As my son was prepped and ready to go, I leaped across the room with the book in hand, son probably thinking I am out of my mind, and said, "I want this tattoo.". "Endurance" The young man looked at me, said, "I've done a lot of father and son tattooing, but this will be a first for a mother and son tattoo." My son looked proud...until I pointed out that I wanted it positioned at the top of my left breast. That was when my son shook his head. I knew that meant, "Oh my God Mom...you are so embarrassing"....but deep down, I think it was a proud moment, in a weird sort of way, for each of us.
The reasoning behind the position of my tattoo was that my left breast had been removed through a mastectomy, and I had had it reconstructed. I had beaten the pulp out of breast cancer, surgery, chemo, surgery...over the span of 1 1/2 years. I wanted this tattoo to show what I was made of! I wanted it where I could see it, and where it would be covered most of the time so that I would choose with whom I wanted to share it with. So...in bold black and white Chinese symbols, Endurance, is permanently inked on my body.
By that time in my life, I had endured a lot. Hodgkinson Disease at age 21, diagnosed Diabetic (insulin dependent) , the death of my mother (at age 56, Leukaemia), and what I felt deep, deep within my soul...a marriage that was crumbling before me. Getting this tattoo would be a constant reminder that I had endured, overcome difficulty, and was resilient.
That tattoo became my mantra....but little did I know, as much as I loved that tattoo, as much as it was part of me and my personal struggles, it would actually come to define the rest of my life. Parkinson's Disease. OK, let us review the words reflecting the inspiration of my tattoo:. 1. adaptability 2. resilience 3. awe-inspiring 4. overcome adversity, and 5. overcome all difficulties. Wow.
Suddenly this permanent ink blotch described all the traits that I would need to carry me not just through the bad times....but now, permanently affixed, as part of the rest of my life. You see, I have learned that one of the scariest words to hear is, progressive. You can't fight that word. You can't postpone the inevitability of that word, you can't change it. Parkinson's Disease is p-------e. Like a HUGE curse word! Progressive. No significant awareness of ending. Well...P---------E THIS!!!
I ponder whether, endurance and progressive are compatible. I could endure the tough times I had been through....but will this endurance continue to carry me to a very unspecified, yet, very specific, lifetime of progression? Does that make sense to anyone else?? I have been given challenges to endure and overcome. My future with Parkinson's....can I endure what is not only a challenge, but something, that probably in my life time, will never be cured? Something thats only guaranttee is to worsen?. P------E ME!!!!!
I can also look at my tattoo, its significance and see that, adaptability, is now the essential meaning So heck...I shall keep my tattoo, it shall keep me inspired, and hey, just maybe, the tattoo really doesn't say, Endurance, after all. I don't know Chinese. Perhaps he really wrote "I'm a loser" or "Kick me". I have faith that is says, Endurance. Now, I just have to keep the faith that I can continue to, endure.
In the end....Parkinson's Disease.....P-------E YOU!! (That may be my next tattoo!) .
No comments:
Post a Comment