A Crappy Day in Parkieville

                          

                                         
                                                                                                                                                                                          
Feb 13, 2014

It has been a crappy day.  I define a crappy day as one that does not bring me enjoyment.  It is one of those days where it suddenly hits you....."I have Parkinson's.  There is no cure.  It is progressing.  Wow.  I am only 49 years old".  Yes, all that hit me in a matter of moments.  So, the crappy day began.......

Sleep disturbances are hugely typical of PD.  From vivid dreams, to not being able to sleep, to incredible fatigue during the day that leads to restless nights.  And lets not forget the aches and pains, the stiffening of the joints, pain that is finally being recognized by doctors as typical PD symptoms.  Well, waking up after all of that did not get me off to a good start. 

When I first rise, at 8 am., I take my first dose of meds.  Now, let me step back a bit and remind you that I also have diabetes, and so with diabetes meds, my PD meds, my anti anxiety, anti cholesterol (as a preventative), anti this, and anti that....I take a total of 25 pills per day.  So, the bulk of the anti's are taken first thing in the morning.  I take them all at once, and down it with a big gulp of water.  With that done, I head back to bed, and quickly return to sleep until or around my next PD dose at or around 12:00 noon.

When I begin my day, on the second dose, I am somewhat human.  But today, and this is the crowning moment of all that went poorly in my day....I......you may want to sit down for this one.  I dropped a cup that had water in it, all over the floor.  I hope I prepared you enough for that one!!!  

It was not the first glass that I had ever dropped, nor will it be the last.  But it was that feeling of, "why can't I hold shit in my frickin hand," that brought me to my last nerve.  I just can not use my pincer grasp any more, and am constantly fumbling with things, knocking them over, or dropping them.  Most of the time it does not cause me grief, but today it was like a siren that went off in my head....this is going to be the best it will get.  I teared up.  Silly, but very real.  Today is the best day of the rest of my life.  It is no wonder that I wasn't wailing by this time! 

Frustration and apathy.  One or the other.  Or, both.  Those are the two constants in my world.  That dopamine stuff in my brain...the stuff my brain is lacking....well dammit!....I'd do anything to get some back.  Dropping that glass just raised my frustration level from 0-10 in 20 mili-seconds.  And usually when this happens, the frustration trumps the apathy.  Frustration wins every time.  It is my reactions to the frustrations that I try to control.  And, today, I was too apathetic to try to control them, so I did not have an "out burst", rather an "in-burst".  I let it eat at me...I kept the python at bay, and I just bathed in the feelings of a crappy day.

It truly is hard to describe how such a minuscule accident, could lead to a full blown crappy day....but it does.  The crap hits the fan when that minuscule moment rapidly reminds my brain that the PD is not going away.  It will not get any better.  Today is the best day of the rest of my life.  I tell myself that I do in fact have good days, but the apathetic squirt of a devil conscience that sits on my shoulder whispering to me, always, always tells me differently.  When you are suddenly confronted with reality, and your head and science are both in agreement to that fact, it certainly makes for a crappy day.

So, as I am nearing the end of my crappy day, I can tell you that nothing else was dropped.  Nothing broken.  Nothing spilled.  Just a fleeting moment of frustration that took my brain on a journey to reality.  The reality sucks, the apathy sinks in, and gloom settles over Parkieville, and all that I can truly hope for is that tomorrow I won't listen to my brain, or the little red devil on my shoulder, and that the python inside of me just pisses off for awhile.  Ooops, sorry about the language.  But I think along with the diabetes, PD, and remember the ADHD I developed, well, I think I have also developed Tourettes....SHIT!